We need this thing called closure.  We need it to thrive, move forward, to feel secure, and yet most of us don’t ever get it.

We have lost a loved one, to where our hearts are ripped out of our chests.  We weren’t granted the opportunity to say goodbye.  We woke up one day to find that someone left us brokenhearted, without a reason or excuse.  We went into the living room one evening, only to find our beloved dog had passed in her sleep.  Loss is pure devastation.  It can kill you in so many ways, but it is not having that closure that works on your insides like a cancer every single day.

In a perfect world, we could turn back the hands of time.  We could hold our loved one and feel their breath on our faces.  We could embrace that one person that we will always love, our soul mate, and know it was forever, no matter what.  We could cuddle our dog or cat, and their weight on you would bring you comfort.

But this is not a perfect world.  Those who have left us will never come back, and those who could, probably will not.  Why does God take them away from us?  In the moment, hearing the words, “he/she is with God now”, does not comfort most, when in fact, it angers most.  In that moment, God did this.  I’m a christian, but will never understand, or wrap my mind around this.  I am not asking for a Bible verse, just know that I will never understand why good people are taken away.

When they have the capacity to come back, why do they choose not to?  Were you not good enough?  Were you not pretty enough?  Why, why, and more whys. Why the heck can’t people just tell you WHY?  It does an injustice to you, and disrespects what existed and had meaning at one point in both of your lives.  Now it is just gone, as if it never was there at all.  Why do people feel the need to run away, and never gift closure to that person who they “loved”?  And there you go, the word “love”.  It makes me crazy, the way people throw that word around, when it is not present in their hearts.

This goes in hand in hand with my Purpose blog……letting go.  I have anger towards those who do not give closure, when in fact, it is common courtesy, not to mention a gesture of respect.  A lot of my friends have had this happen to them, where they are left empty handed, out of the blue, and all for what?  To feel like a fool?  It’s not right.

Death.  What do you do?  How the heck do you move on?  I’m still haunted by my mother and my grandpa.  They are in my dreams, their presence is in my home.  Haunted in the way where my stomach feels sick.  But the memories……..yes, there ARE many wonderful ones with  my mother.  My grandpa and I have memories that no one else can comprehend.  I didn’t get that closure with my mother, because it was taken away from me.  I got to say goodbye to my grandpa, and you know what?  It hurts like hell anyway, but there are so many things that I wanted to tell him, had he been in his right mind.

I’m telling you, the one who has experienced loss….keep moving forward, keep yourself busy, and try not to let your heart harden from being broken. Every day, try to let go, just a little bit.  Just a little.  And never forget.  Hold that memory, and let go of the bitterness.

Easier said than done, I know.  Maybe I am typing this to convince myself.



A Purpose


My emotions are extremely jumbled up right now, all intermixed and confusing.  I’m not sure how to express it all in words right now, but I’m going to try.

New beginnings can be refreshing, exciting, and moving forward with a new perceptive can be life changing.  It is, however, hard to let go of the negativity that caused you to run in the first place.  Let it go.  Only 3 words, and yet you can’t do it. It’s only weight.  It’s only hate, sadness, emptiness, and loss.  How do you let it go, when it is instilled in your heart and your mind?

One day at a time.  Busy yourself with projects that make you feel a purpose, a strength, and mostly, an outlet.  Shut out those who choose to bring you down.  They are not worthy of your time.  Your time is yours, and you decide whether you go down the path of demise, or you go down the path that makes you feel a pride so intense, that you cannot help but smile.  Lock in that pride, hold it tight, and only face the sunshine.

This year has been a challenge, to say the least, but I’m still here, despite it all.  I’ve had to let go of things that I truly loved, a job where I finally felt like I belonged, but in the spirit of my own sanity, had to walk away. I’m still heartbroken over this loss, but you need to honor what is best for your soul.

Bailey has her good days, where we have the most wonderful conversations, and then she has her bad days, where we are fighting to move forward after falling down yet again.  This picture that I posted was right after she was past the point of no return, during a horrible meltdown.  She wanted me to smile so she could take my picture. Because she was okay, and she had gotten past it.  I was not, but I did my best, and I tried to get past the way she had punched me in my lower back, and past the fact that she did not mean to hurt me, because she is autistic, and she is still learning her way.  I am her mother, after all, and it is my job to teach her between right and wrong.  Mothers are supposed to fight through the bad times for their children, no matter how bad it may get, and that is my purpose.

#parentingistough #autismsucks #ilovemychildren