I’ve been absent. In so many ways. I cannot write when I am surrounded by others. For some reason, I need to be completely alone and in silence with my own thoughts. These days, that is impossible.
Today I wanted to write about Thanksgiving, but there is something heavier weighing on my heart. I hate that most of my posts are depressing, but this is MY blog, and I honestly do not care about judgement. I feel what I feel, and that is all.
Friendship……a word that I’ve always held sacred. I’m exhausted from being the peace keeper, because all it has done is bite me in the ass. Yes, I said “ass”. I do try to see the good in everyone. I try to keep everyone in harmony. I thought this was a positive trait of mine, but it is not. Turns out, not everyone wants peace and harmony.
I’ve finally come to the realization…..you have to keep your circle small and tight. There will only be a handful of friends who are truly there for you. When my daughter was diagnosed with autism, I went into my bubble. No one was in there, but me. I came out, just a little bit, when I started in dog rescue, but the bigger part of me was still in that bubble. I should have never come out of it, because that is how I protected myself. That bubble kept me tough and that shield was stripped away when my heart broke over these poor animals’ suffering. The harsh reality of what has been happening here in my own city was mind blowing.
Everyone has their soft, vulnerable spots. What is yours, and how do you nurture it? Mine is animals, children, and the elderly. My dream is to help dogs and wounded warriors come together, and I did that for a short period of time.
Since I’ve left rescue, or the organization that I was a part of, I’ve been trying to find my way. I’m all over the place, mostly in my mind. But my children……that is where I should have been from the beginning. When you are a parent, you do tend to lose part of your own self, though, and I was desperate to not give up on rescue, so I kept doing more and more, until my own sanity was at stake, and I stepped back, and found myself in an ugly, resentful place. I shouldn’t have let that happen, but I did. Sometimes you have to make very hard decisions for the sake of your family. If there was a pill that I could take, that would help me to move forward and let go, I would take it every day. Instead of fuming and venting and hurting, it’s now locked up inside.
Because you know what? There is always another way to do what you love to do. There are opportunities and limitless options for everyone out there. There are limitless friendships to be had, and those who will help and guide you along the way, whether it’s in your struggles or working toward the same goals.
I have a huge and overwhelming appreciation for those who help our dogs and cats of San Antonio. I respect each and every one of them, because these souls are few and far between. Not enough people care enough, and that is a crying shame, because it’s the animals that pay the price.
I’m not stopping, I’m taking a break. I will get over my sense of belonging that I have lost, because I just have to. If I weather a storm or go into that dark place, I expect my friends to be there. If they are not there, then they are not worth my time. And that is it, in a nutshell.