I am exhausted from all of the goodbyes to those I have loved. I am exhausted from saying goodbye to my home that held so many dear memories for me and my children. Tomorrow I will close yet another chapter.
But I am happy that I made my way back home, and that I soaked in all of the love, and all of the laughter, within those walls. I had to pack it all away, though, and take it with me, with my heart in a million broken pieces, as I frantically try to tape it all back together. All I can do is put on a band-aide, and a smile, and maybe one day, time will have healed…..and this will all be bittersweet, and not raw.
What can you do, though? Brush yourself off and trudge forward. Try to search out little glimmers of hope in the smallest moments. And remember. Remember all of the glorious sunsets, baby deer peeking in my windows, the peaceful solitude that surrounded me, and all of the treasured stories of my childhood, and then my adulthood, when I fought my way back there, only to say goodbye yet again. Remember those I have lost….my husband, my mother, my Grandpa, and my precious furry babies. My lost friendships and lost “what ifs” and dreams that were too hard to reach. I will remember how they were when all was beautiful, and life was grand.
So this is it, all bundled up tightly with brutal goodbyes and yesterdays, with only the memories to stew over in the late night hours when sleep won’t take me.
I have my babies, though, and we will find a different happy place, where we feel secure, and free to express our sorrow with abandonment. Laugh with no regrets or guilt. WRECKLESS laughter! Another home, another life, and hopefully, a renewed DIFFERENT happiness, where all three of us can find our own sense of security, and our own pathway to another chapter.
I take solace that another family will love this property as much as we did. They will be staring into the same beautiful evenings in awe, and be living their lives to the fullest, just as we did. I take solace in this goodbye, and though all of these goodbyes haven’t graced me with closure, this one has, and I am grateful for that.