Just Want To Be

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Today you wrapped your arms around me, and I could feel your warmth.

You have been gone, and everything has been cold and distant, though I have these fleeting moments of happy, and fleeting moments of hope. They are fast, though, and I can never catch them. Maybe they don’t want to be caught yet, but I am too tired to chase them.

But today, you chose to sit with me, and let me feel your presence. Why?

Do you feel my brokenness?  Do you still know me, the way no one else did…..losing my way so many times with all of these twists and turns, and yet, you always knew how to bring me back.

Losing you suddenly feels a lot like falling.  I am spinning and falling, and I can’t seem to grab a hold of anything, or anyone, to brace my fall, but at the same time, falling is so much easier than fighting.

I have so many regrets, and left so many things unsaid.  I tell you everything today, because they have to be said out loud, but I will never forgive myself, for not telling you while you were alive, and standing in front of me. You deserved better than that, and you were such a ray of sunshine for so many lost souls, that I cannot bear that you are no longer here to light their way, and embrace them with your words of comfort. I cannot stand that you are not here to hold your sons and daughter in this dreadfully dark place they are in, where they are alive, but aren’t living, because they miss their father so desperately.

It is all a game, pushing forward, and laughing, but not truly laughing. Some resemblance of happiness. I am still in this same spot, even though I am getting help for our children, taking care of our home, fumbling around in the dark, and trying to catch my breath every time that wave hits. I don’t want to be in this spot anymore, but I don’t know how to be happy.  I need for you to know, that the loss of you has reshaped me completely, into this hot mess of forgiveness, empathy, compassion, and such a yearning for more than what I probably deserve. And I don’t want to push and pull anymore, I just want to BE.

#whatismeanttobewillbe #pleaseguideme

 

 

It’s a beautiful day :)

This is the most beautiful day.  I opened all of the windows, and watered my flowers, and filled the hummingbird feeder. All of these moments…..I am trying so hard to take them in, and embrace them.

I don’t have many great days, but I have a lot of really great moments, and after this past year, that is something. I am eating healthier, exercising, and doing more fun things with the kiddos…..being more active is uplifting, and makes me feel better inside and out. My kids are always going to try my patience, drain my energy, and these autism meltdowns do break me down, but then I revel in my children’s laughter, encourage them to be outside on days like this, and hug and kiss them as much as humanly possible, even when they are rejecting me.

I feel changed, as if something has switched over in me. Loss, loneliness, bitterness, and exhaustion, have all been my demons, but I am working so tirelessly to  continue changing for the better.  I cannot wrap my mind around it……it feels as if I have missed so much all of these years. I was living in the shadows, and never even knew it. How does that happen?  Is it being the parent of a special needs child, that has taken my drive?  Feeling sorry for myself?  Ross dying suddenly, when he had so much light and positive energy ?

I am sappy, and tearful, and I love and adore my pain in the ass children.  I miss my friends, my family, and I miss having that special connection with someone, yet still being grounded and true to myself. I am a hot emotional mess, and am terrified of someone rushing in and taking away this new light, because everything is so raw still, but I love this feeling, and hope it doesn’t go away again. I am not dwelling on being alone anymore. It takes away the joy from these moments, and that dark place is so haunting and painfully addicting. Besides, what is meant to be, will be, and I have always believed that.  I will carry that with me.

That is all.  I wanted to post something positive for once. Thank you, everyone, for all of your support, prayers, and I love you all like  crazy.

Breaking Point

This morning Bailey didn’t want to go to school, so she took off running in the parking lot, screaming bloody murder, while children flinched and parents cringed for me as I broke out into a full sprint, before my first cup of coffee.  If this had been the first time, then I could write it off as a bad morning, but it was not, and this is my reality now.  Autism sucks, and only intensifies everything else that my little family has endured.

All I wanted to do was come back home and sit in silence, and feel nothing at all, but I have a million things pulling at me, and keeping me up every single night. My head is cluttered with What Ifs, self doubt, and more insecurities than any one person should have. Am I making the right decisions?  How long can I run on empty, when I’ve been depleted of almost everything that made me who I am.  What was it, that took my husband’s life while he slept, and was there anything I could have done, to have prevented this?  Did he die because of me??  Are my children forever scarred with the memory of him, laying there lifeless, as I pounded away on his chest and screamed for him to wake up?  How does life get taken away so suddenly, without warning, leaving you in this small, tight, suffocating bubble of isolation?  I have no answers, and maybe I never will, but I am trying, and surely that counts for something.

Everything is a battle now.  I am fighting to dig my heels into something that resembles a life.  I am fighting to parent our children in a manner that would make Ross proud, and at the same time, give me some peace of mind that they will actually be okay, and live emotionally healthy and productive lives. Fighting to let go of pride, and ask for help, and then fighting to actually get that help. Why all this fighting?  Why does everything have to be push and pull?  Why can’t someone walk up to me, and tell me that everything will be okay, and that good things are coming my way, and why can’t I believe it and embrace it?

A big, huge, and sloppy thank you, goes out to that mother that picked up Bailey’s backpack for me this morning, as I did the walk of shame, taking Bailey into her school, looking straight down at my feet. “You are doing great, mama”, she said, and I busted out into tears, because sometimes, it is all too much, and it builds and builds, until I am volcanic and have no control. And these are never my finest moments, though I can usually hold on to it until the kids are out of my sight.

I am tired of feeling isolated, sad, lost…..I am tired of staying up all night long, and letting these demons beat me down, and take me to dark places. I need more, and I don’t know how to get it. So I am reaching out right now, for any words of encouragement, solace……whatever you can give me, because I will take anything that you have, and I have surpassed my breaking point many moons ago.

#attheendofmyrope #throwmeabone