Today you wrapped your arms around me, and I could feel your warmth.
You have been gone, and everything has been cold and distant, though I have these fleeting moments of happy, and fleeting moments of hope. They are fast, though, and I can never catch them. Maybe they don’t want to be caught yet, but I am too tired to chase them.
But today, you chose to sit with me, and let me feel your presence. Why?
Do you feel my brokenness? Do you still know me, the way no one else did…..losing my way so many times with all of these twists and turns, and yet, you always knew how to bring me back.
Losing you suddenly feels a lot like falling. I am spinning and falling, and I can’t seem to grab a hold of anything, or anyone, to brace my fall, but at the same time, falling is so much easier than fighting.
I have so many regrets, and left so many things unsaid. I tell you everything today, because they have to be said out loud, but I will never forgive myself, for not telling you while you were alive, and standing in front of me. You deserved better than that, and you were such a ray of sunshine for so many lost souls, that I cannot bear that you are no longer here to light their way, and embrace them with your words of comfort. I cannot stand that you are not here to hold your sons and daughter in this dreadfully dark place they are in, where they are alive, but aren’t living, because they miss their father so desperately.
It is all a game, pushing forward, and laughing, but not truly laughing. Some resemblance of happiness. I am still in this same spot, even though I am getting help for our children, taking care of our home, fumbling around in the dark, and trying to catch my breath every time that wave hits. I don’t want to be in this spot anymore, but I don’t know how to be happy. I need for you to know, that the loss of you has reshaped me completely, into this hot mess of forgiveness, empathy, compassion, and such a yearning for more than what I probably deserve. And I don’t want to push and pull anymore, I just want to BE.