Do it. Say it. Feel it.

I posted a new blog the other day, and shared it to my Facebook page, as I always do.  Five minutes later, I deleted the link on my Facebook page. It was nakedly personal.  I am not oblivious to the fact that my life is heavy, and not everyone can relate nor can they comprehend what it is that I live every day. Heck, everyone has their own battles, and they don’t always post it for everyone to see. This is of my own choosing, and my own personal therapy. But I did remove this particular link about my daughter’s meltdowns….because not everyone wants to hear all of the negativity. And guess what?  Neither do I.  I WANT to be happy, and inspired.  I WANT to be in love, and to be a wonderful and perfect mother…..I WANT to have a normal life.  These may or may not be in the cards for me, but there is always something else around that corner.  I find myself happy in little moments.  Why I cannot seem to feel that way 24/7…..I will never be able to wrap my mind around that.  I know that I am deserving.  I know that I am a good person.  And I know that I am busting my ass to follow the path of right instead of wrong.  But sadly, somewhere along that path…..I have lost my way.  I want it all, but not sure that I will ever get it. I am at war with myself every minute of the day.  I don’t want to be.  How about some peace?  All of my life, I don’t think that I have ever felt peace.  Only tiny moments of peace.

My daughter is on the spectrum, as you have read in my other blogs.  My son is in emotional turmoil from the loss of his dad.  We have lost several of our family furry babies over the course of this past year.  Loss hangs over our family like a dark cloud.

I have a lot, and I am grateful for what is still here……but I am bitter about all of the loss.  I don’t want to be.  And I don’t want to be sad, lonely, or lost, anymore.  But mostly……I don’t want my CHILDREN to feel sad, lonely, or lost.  If my children are in distress, then I am in distress.  And I can fight for my new chapter until I am thoroughly spent, but it will not mean anything, if my children are not okay.  We are a family unit, and we all three need to work hard to move forward, together.

It has been a year and four months since Ross passed away unexpectedly.  My family is pushing forward, but we are not okay just yet.  Maybe we never will be, but I am getting help, and I am trying so hard.  Everything in me is so tired.  I am so done, but I cannot be done.  Anyone with children understand what I mean. You do not get permission to check out.

My frustration level is off the charts.  I look around me……I see heartbreak, neglect, and unhappiness.  How can I make you understand……life can be taken away tomorrow, just like that.  There are no second chances.  There is just NOTHING after someone has died……every thing that you always wanted to say to them, will go unspoken.  It will haunt you until the day that you die, and you will leave this world feeling unsettled and unloved.

Do what makes you HAPPY.  Do what makes you feel ALIVE.  Be proactive and forthcoming.  If you feel LOVE, then SAY IT.  If you feel helplessness, then ASK FOR HELP.  If you feel like there is nothing here for you, then GO AND GET IT.  Do it.  Say it. Feel it.

That is all.


asking for prayers

Bailey is striking me now. She is big, and she is so strong. It is really hard to contain her arms, legs, and head, and it is getting harder to gauge when she will hit in advance.  I am mostly taking the hits and fending her off the best way I can without anyone getting hurt, but it doesn’t always work that way.
She put on quite a show at her last doctor’s appointment. Her developmental pediatrician referred me to a mental health organization for behavior therapy. In my mind, I thought it was probably someone that would come into our home and help me write up schedules, and have lots of suggestions and calming techniques to make our daily activities less stressful. Now I am not sure where it was that I called and left a message with. I was told that I needed the Mental Health Department, and that if I had an emergency, to call 911 right away. It gave me anxiety and made my heart race.
How have we gotten here? How has our family gotten to this point of distress, where I have no solutions, immediate family support, or have no emotional relief in sight?
Bailey is my sweetheart. She is affectionate and sensitive. She tells me that she loves me out of the blue, and she embraces me in wonderful hugs and plays with my ear lobes gently to calm her anxiety. I am her source of comfort. This is my place as a mother.
I am also her source of frustration and anger. When I tell her, “No”, she grows increasingly irritated, until she cannot deal, and then she reacts with no control. She doesn’t hold back her punches and kicks, she just goes with it, and she goes with it full force, and with no remorse in the moment. She screams out words that hurt my stomach, and break my heart…..and make me question everything about myself as a parent. What have I done?  Where have I gone wrong?  Why are we being punished? Why are all of these horrible things happening to us?
My dear sweet Bays….she is a loving package of bittersweet emotions. She is fragile and endearing, and she has such a beautiful and tender heart. When she has broken through her rage, and she finally allows herself to see any relief….she is overwhelmed with remorse and sadness. She holds her arms up to me, and she cries for me to come to her, and she rocks in my lap as if we are in a rocking chair…..while she rubs my ear lobe and her sobs slowly
get quieter, and her breathing starts to relax. She finally gets to her resting place, and then it is as if she were never disturbed at all. But me….I carry it with me all day and into the night.
She can’t help it. Her disability gets this hold over her, and she can’t seem to break free. She will hit herself in any way possible, and anyone that is near her, but she is mostly angry with me. I don’t know how to help her anymore without getting hurt myself. It hurts my heart so badly to see her in such a state. She has her brother emotionally scarred, and he has severe PTSD from the loss of dad, that is still very fresh…..he makes suicidal threats when he is upset, and though I know deep down that he will not do anything to himself, these threats are heard by Bailey, and now Bailey is yelling these threats. I am completely alone and terrified that I have lost control of my little family. I HAVE.  I cancelled my own grief therapy to allow more time and funds for my children’s therapy, and there is no fault in that….but I don’t know how to move forward. Apparently, Reagan and Bailey both need more mental health support that I can provide, and that makes me a failure. I have failed them. But I am going to get this help, and I am asking for your prayers.