For those of you that have followed my blog….it has been some time since I have posted. Thank you so much for your support, and thank you for your encouraging comments and lifelong friendships along the way. I know that I take a great risk, posting such personal crap for the whole world to see, but this is how I heal…by writing, not verbally expressing myself. Verbally expressing is not something I am ready for, and I may never be.
It is possible to feel too much. To feel too much, all of the time, and not be able to shut it off. I have been at war with myself over this…wanting to NOT care, NOT love, and simply NOT worry over the smallest matters. But the problem with NOT giving a shit…it goes against every grain of my being, and it is stepping into unfamiliar territory.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. This should be a wonderful characteristic. I should be surrounded by lovely friends, family, and I should always be in love, and always feel secure in my parenting. I should always feel loved, because I can love so hard, and I can give so much. In a perfect world, right?
But it doesn’t work out that way. I will never be able to wrap my head around this. And I know there are so many other tender-hearted souls out there that feel the same way….as if they being punished for caring too much. Because that is what it feels like…punishment.
Loss has changed me forever. If I care about you, I am definitely afraid that you will die. If I feel happiness, I am afraid to close my eyes, because when I open them, that happiness will be gone. So many beautiful precious memories, dreams, stories, wishes, journeys….all ripped away without any warning, only to leave me with so many damn questions…confusion…and not knowing how to process my sadness, because I was never able to say goodbye to that person…that dream, that life, that fur baby, and that perception of what my life was supposed to be.
I had a “new normal” after Ross died. That first year was the most horrible pain and isolation, but nothing compared to the helpless feeling of watching my own children struggle. This second year after his death….we are trying for yet another new normal, and we are moving again.
I have stayed awake for hours every night, paced the floors, and did so much soul searching…SO scared of doing wrong by my children, and not having a partner to discuss anything with, but determined to NOT be swayed with the whole “single parenting” stigma, even though this is “sole parenting”, because my children’s father did not choose to leave us. He died suddenly, and there is nothing that I can do to change that. But yet, here I am, a single parent, having everyone tell me that I am such a strong person, and yet it makes me want to scream. I don’t have any choice, but to be strong. None of us do. But admittedly, it is comforting to hear those words anyway, because I do look back and wonder HOW IN THE HELL am I still here.
I fight to recreate joy. I struggle to sing a new song, while at the same time, reflect back on the familiar ones even though they sting. I feel like I am always searching, but I cannot tell you what the hell I am searching for. I am still lost, but I am slowly finding my way to a new self. Not what I once was. Because I don’t want to go back there. I didn’t value tiny moments, unspoken words, and I didn’t value long lasting glances, watching my child draw her pictures, laughing with my son and his crazy antics, cuddling with my dogs knowing they will die too soon, and treasuring every single damn color, taste, texture, and emotion. I am forever changed, but I am better because of it. I really am.
I can love wholeheartedly. I accept any and all those with all of their flaws and indiscretions. I truly listen to empathize, not to respond or even understand. My heart hurts when you cry, because I have been there. And when there is something to laugh about….I cannot describe that feeling of gratefulness and appreciation…this life and everything that it deals out…and still, we can laugh!! And when you have been broken, and you are on your knees, at the deep depths of darkness, you can see that happiness SO clearly, and you wonder why no one else can see it, too. You want it so badly. It is taunting and dancing and calling you over, but there are mountains and walls and oceans to swim. You are exhausted, but you want that happiness.
I don’t want to be bitter, hateful, or resentful. I should be, and there are days when I have moments of feeling spiteful for the cards I have been dealt. But they are just that, moments, and thank goodness they are fleeting.
I do know my worth, I just forget it sometimes when someone hurts me intentionally or unintentionally. And there will always be someone that will hurt you. Because we are all damaged in some way or another, and we will hurt others without meaning to.
I believe most people are good, but we all struggle and we all feel pain. You have decide who you want to bring into your life that brings you growth, encouragement, and makes you feel loved and valued. We are all deserving of happiness, but are just too scared to take it, for fear that it won’t stay.
But with the right tribe…friends and family, even if there are only a few…with the right partner…they will fight to stay, and they will not want to be anywhere else.
We are coming up on the 2 year anniversary of Ross’ death. We are coming up on another Father’s Day. I am without words, but yet I am not.