Why?

We only have one chance to be happy. Why do we settle?  Why do we allow ourselves to be treated poorly?  Why do we tolerate physical and mental abuse?  Why are we content with just existing, and not living every moment like it was our last? 
I am so very tired of death. Death is cruel and unforgiving and it makes our hearts burn with such an immense pain, bitterness, denial, and hatred. If we all lived as we were intended to, as we really WANTED to live, then death would not have so many damn regrets. Regrets do nothing but hang over our heads like dark clouds and drown out any chance of light.
Why must there be so much pain and tragedy? Why are we working ourselves into early graves? Why do we not tell someone that we love them, when it is on the tips of our tongues? Why the HELL can’t we always choose happiness instead of having this self destructive need to punish ourselves for past mistakes, or not feeling that we are worthy enough? 
I will never be the same. This means that I am now going to be a target, because I do not have any more hate in my heart. I do not have any more tolerance for silly and ridiculous arguments or fights. I have NO time for lies, deceitfulness, or anyone who chooses to rob me of my fight to be HAPPY. I am DONE with all of this SADNESS. LOSS. DISAPPOINTMENT. I want it ALL, but I will not sacrifice my own worth to get anything or anyone just to hold on to them and not be alone.
I love hard. I can only be loved hard back, and if I am not, then that kind of love is not for me. 
I don’t know how to express how important it is, to cherish every single moment that you have….with your spouse…your children…your mother and your father…your grandparents. Oh my GOD….my heart hurts so hard right now, because someone else has passed away, because he did not know his worth. He was let down, and he allowed that to break him, and now he is gone. 
Ross had poor health, and he knew he needed to take control of it. But it was too late, and now HE is gone. Children that I know have had terrible accidents where they have lost their young lives….friends and family members, dying without ever even feeling their PURPOSE. They never went out and actually lived their dreams. It is such a waste.
What FOR??? Why does this keep happening?  
If you are not happy in your marriage, and there is no love there…start over and give yourselves a chance to feel HAPPINESS with someone who values you. If you are living in a situation that brings you to a dark place, then get the hell OUT and start over. If you feel yourself slipping away, REACH OUT. Please do not say you are okay, if you are NOT okay. 
Earlier I came into my blog to write an uplifting post. How about THAT?  But then here came life and shattered a little bit of that happiness. 
But I am still gonna share it…and maybe ending this post on a happy note will enlighten the rest of my day, and hopefully, enlighten yours…as well as giving you a new perspective on how you carry out your days and your nights…the choices that you make…and what kind of life that you really want to live. REALLY reflect…what do you want to do with your life? Can you make a living, doing what you love??? There MUST be a way. THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY. I know that I sound angry…and I am. I am angry and sad. Stop wasting your lives. Please.
Yesterday Bailey’s teacher had me sign a consent form indicating that she does not need supervision in her classes anymore. This means that she is following instructions, paying attention, and she is a stellar student. My beautiful 12 year old daughter, who didn’t even say a complete sentence until she was close to 5 years old!!! She is in Dance class with other regular mainstream 7 grade girls!! She laughs and giggles and tosses her hair, and she flirts with boys. 
And Reagan…Reagan is trying SO hard. He is these great friendships. He is not as combative as he used to be. He is being more receptive to me finding and/or experiencing love again. He has a long ways to go, but he is moving forward, and that is all that I ask. He listens to me when I talk to him about appreciation….love…..and he KNOWS the value of life. He will be a wonderful loving husband one day, and I cannot even bear to think of holding my future grandchildren.
I have two lovely, beautiful children. I am praying for a more fulfilled life…I do feel deserving and I know exactly what I want, not what I need. 
I’m sorry that this post is all over the place. I came in with good intentions, and received some difficult news, but this is life, and we all know how it goes…what can we do? Persevere. Fight. Get up and try again. Learn from our mistakes. Love HARDER, but smarter.