I suffer from a fear of everything falling apart once again, after the kids and I have rebuilt our lives. Every stick, stone and brick….all to have shelter from the darkness. Will saying the words out loud, “I will be okay”, ignite a chain of failure and destruction? Would blogging a post that is actually hopeful, be swept away, as soon as the words hit the screen?
There are many days where I am exhausted from being strong all the time, but in the late evenings, into the early morning hours, my mind is racing, and I cannot stop the abrasive worries, falling down like hail around me, not showing any mercy. I cannot get what I need, and that is a full night’s sleep. I cannot get that peace of mind that lets me take a breathe, and exhale it slowly…..not without my anxiety ridden heart beating so fast that my chest hurts. Did I make the right decision? Am I doing right by my children? Do I need to move even further away to finally feel comforted and “home”?
I want to do everything, but I know that I can’t. I want to give everything to my children, but I know that isn’t feasible, and what they need is more important, anyway….my time and love. I am studying so that I can work, cleaning so that I can decompress, and pushing forward, as violently as I can, without breaking a sweat or letting myself cry.
I am consumed with all of the expectations and judgments from the outside world….what in the hell do they know, anyway? Every one travels their own individual journey, and their journey can be brutal, but their journey can also be filled with wonderful moments. These moments are forgotten so quickly, though, and we are all guilty of this.
Loss has taught me to appreciate the little things…..my daughter’s laughter, my son’s newfound independence as he enters junior high, and forcing myself to walk outside when I am feeling stressed and fatigued…..the sun and the wind sweeps away that first layer of sadness.
Loss has taught me to embrace any happiness that blesses my family…..to bathe in it and soak in every little drop. I have finally let go of the heavy weight of guilt, and I don’t hesitate or flinch when someone reaches out to me. I let myself wonder and be fascinated with the thought of new beginnings, and at the same time, soften my guard until I have a reason not to.
I have lost my mother and grandpa. I have lost several pets that were family members, all around the same time. I have lost my husband and the father of my children, unexpectedly and without any closure or clarity. I have lost my home. I have lost my identity.
I have had these stripped away, and yet I still have hope. How is that possible? I want success and fulfillment for my children. I want to fight against all the haters of the dog rescue world, because the voiceless need me. And I want to feel proud, because pride is alive and strong, and I need to feel alive and strong, after so many months of living in death and weakness. If I find new friendships, and possibly love, along the way, then I am even more blessed, and I will safeguard and cherish those friendships. I will cherish anything beautiful that drops in my lap, and anything that I work my fingers to the bone for.
You only get one shot, after all.