I haven’t been here for several weeks, but this morning my heart was heavy and burdened. Life has thrown me into an endless cycle of routine, where I fight to catch my breath every day. We are pushing and pulling through each hour, only to lay down for bed at night, and then greet the morning with sleepy reluctance.
I couldn’t make a heart big enough to show my love for my children. I love for both of us now. It encompasses every tiny piece of my soul, and delivers a sense of purpose with a big weathered, but beautiful bow. I long to never unwrap such cherished memories, but a part of me goes away, every time they walk out that door. What if they never came back, and what if I lost a child? I would surely die to save them. I would surely die a thousand deaths before I would lose them.
Our family is a wave of laughter and tears, though we have been rained on for over a year now, and we are finally searching for our sun. There is no mercy within our days, and we fight like soldiers to embrace all the happiness that we can, and carry it with us, in those moments of grief and loneliness.
I pile band-aide on top of band-aide….Christmas presents, birthday surprises, cruises…but can never replace those moments where they will come to me, and take me in their arms, all on their own accord. I could live off of their smiles and their warmth for a life time. They are fuel for my barren, aching heart, and all that I have left in this world. I am their quiet, and they are my wild.
I will never be able to embrace all of these first times enough, nor will I ever be able to cherish all of our last times to their full extent. The last time that I held them on my hip. The last time that I fed them their meal. The last time that I dressed them for school. And the last time that I helped them wash their hair, when they finally sent me away, because they didn’t need my help anymore. What will I become, when my children have become adults, and my purpose no longer feeds my soul?
Eventually, we lose everyone, or they will lose us.
One chance. Blinking…hesitating…back pedaling….there is no end result that will complete you. There are only regrets and loneliness.
Today I sit in front of your grave site, and the dirt has turned to grass, and there are little white flowers sprouting up above your shell. Time has gone by, but we are still aching for our family of five, and we will grieve for you every single day.
If one is fortunate, one is given a warning, and one can cherish without reservation. If one is blessed, one is granted a new beginning….though sadly, we will not be blessed until we are ready, if we ever are. And we never find that same love or that same security, but a recreation of a new love story, and a collection of different memories. Hopefully, we are graced with a chance to live for another chapter, because there is no point in having a story, if you have no one to tell it to, or no one to live it with.
You are always healing, one step at a time, though you will never let go completely, and you should not have to.
We miss you terribly.