Bailey is striking me now. She is big, and she is so strong. It is really hard to contain her arms, legs, and head, and it is getting harder to gauge when she will hit in advance. I am mostly taking the hits and fending her off the best way I can without anyone getting hurt, but it doesn’t always work that way.
She put on quite a show at her last doctor’s appointment. Her developmental pediatrician referred me to a mental health organization for behavior therapy. In my mind, I thought it was probably someone that would come into our home and help me write up schedules, and have lots of suggestions and calming techniques to make our daily activities less stressful. Now I am not sure where it was that I called and left a message with. I was told that I needed the Mental Health Department, and that if I had an emergency, to call 911 right away. It gave me anxiety and made my heart race.
How have we gotten here? How has our family gotten to this point of distress, where I have no solutions, immediate family support, or have no emotional relief in sight?
Bailey is my sweetheart. She is affectionate and sensitive. She tells me that she loves me out of the blue, and she embraces me in wonderful hugs and plays with my ear lobes gently to calm her anxiety. I am her source of comfort. This is my place as a mother.
I am also her source of frustration and anger. When I tell her, “No”, she grows increasingly irritated, until she cannot deal, and then she reacts with no control. She doesn’t hold back her punches and kicks, she just goes with it, and she goes with it full force, and with no remorse in the moment. She screams out words that hurt my stomach, and break my heart…..and make me question everything about myself as a parent. What have I done? Where have I gone wrong? Why are we being punished? Why are all of these horrible things happening to us?
My dear sweet Bays….she is a loving package of bittersweet emotions. She is fragile and endearing, and she has such a beautiful and tender heart. When she has broken through her rage, and she finally allows herself to see any relief….she is overwhelmed with remorse and sadness. She holds her arms up to me, and she cries for me to come to her, and she rocks in my lap as if we are in a rocking chair…..while she rubs my ear lobe and her sobs slowly
get quieter, and her breathing starts to relax. She finally gets to her resting place, and then it is as if she were never disturbed at all. But me….I carry it with me all day and into the night.
She can’t help it. Her disability gets this hold over her, and she can’t seem to break free. She will hit herself in any way possible, and anyone that is near her, but she is mostly angry with me. I don’t know how to help her anymore without getting hurt myself. It hurts my heart so badly to see her in such a state. She has her brother emotionally scarred, and he has severe PTSD from the loss of dad, that is still very fresh…..he makes suicidal threats when he is upset, and though I know deep down that he will not do anything to himself, these threats are heard by Bailey, and now Bailey is yelling these threats. I am completely alone and terrified that I have lost control of my little family. I HAVE. I cancelled my own grief therapy to allow more time and funds for my children’s therapy, and there is no fault in that….but I don’t know how to move forward. Apparently, Reagan and Bailey both need more mental health support that I can provide, and that makes me a failure. I have failed them. But I am going to get this help, and I am asking for your prayers.