I posted a new blog the other day, and shared it to my Facebook page, as I always do. Five minutes later, I deleted the link on my Facebook page. It was nakedly personal. I am not oblivious to the fact that my life is heavy, and not everyone can relate nor can they comprehend what it is that I live every day. Heck, everyone has their own battles, and they don’t always post it for everyone to see. This is of my own choosing, and my own personal therapy. But I did remove this particular link about my daughter’s meltdowns….because not everyone wants to hear all of the negativity. And guess what? Neither do I. I WANT to be happy, and inspired. I WANT to be in love, and to be a wonderful and perfect mother…..I WANT to have a normal life. These may or may not be in the cards for me, but there is always something else around that corner. I find myself happy in little moments. Why I cannot seem to feel that way 24/7…..I will never be able to wrap my mind around that. I know that I am deserving. I know that I am a good person. And I know that I am busting my ass to follow the path of right instead of wrong. But sadly, somewhere along that path…..I have lost my way. I want it all, but not sure that I will ever get it. I am at war with myself every minute of the day. I don’t want to be. How about some peace? All of my life, I don’t think that I have ever felt peace. Only tiny moments of peace.
My daughter is on the spectrum, as you have read in my other blogs. My son is in emotional turmoil from the loss of his dad. We have lost several of our family furry babies over the course of this past year. Loss hangs over our family like a dark cloud.
I have a lot, and I am grateful for what is still here……but I am bitter about all of the loss. I don’t want to be. And I don’t want to be sad, lonely, or lost, anymore. But mostly……I don’t want my CHILDREN to feel sad, lonely, or lost. If my children are in distress, then I am in distress. And I can fight for my new chapter until I am thoroughly spent, but it will not mean anything, if my children are not okay. We are a family unit, and we all three need to work hard to move forward, together.
It has been a year and four months since Ross passed away unexpectedly. My family is pushing forward, but we are not okay just yet. Maybe we never will be, but I am getting help, and I am trying so hard. Everything in me is so tired. I am so done, but I cannot be done. Anyone with children understand what I mean. You do not get permission to check out.
My frustration level is off the charts. I look around me……I see heartbreak, neglect, and unhappiness. How can I make you understand……life can be taken away tomorrow, just like that. There are no second chances. There is just NOTHING after someone has died……every thing that you always wanted to say to them, will go unspoken. It will haunt you until the day that you die, and you will leave this world feeling unsettled and unloved.
Do what makes you HAPPY. Do what makes you feel ALIVE. Be proactive and forthcoming. If you feel LOVE, then SAY IT. If you feel helplessness, then ASK FOR HELP. If you feel like there is nothing here for you, then GO AND GET IT. Do it. Say it. Feel it.
That is all.