This empty shell collects dust every day, only to add another layer of disappointment that is clothed in the darkest disguise that even the purest angelic soul could not penetrate.
What are these days for, if only to keep rising for the sake of others who look to you for protection? How do you even provide solace when you don’t care about your own happiness? When you live for someone else…when do you stop pushing so damn hard, when all you want to do is slip below the water and be surrounded by only silence?
I don’t have any answers and I do not have a person…an outlet…a place to run when my heart becomes numb from brokenness. There is only nothingness, and the more I reach for peace and joy, the faster it slips away, laughing at me in a stifling cloud of black.
This constant nagging in my head…what am I doing? Why am I here? Why does everyone want the world from me, and why do I want to disappear so badly?
My kids. My babies are the reason I am still here. Beyond my children is only sadness…emptiness…and there is true love and devotion within my little family. Nothing lives or loves beyond that. I have come to terms with that.
I am not suicidal so don’t call the calvary.
I am lost. One day I will find my way.